Last time I talked about when failure stops meaning what it used to, Another thing that came to light as a result of feedback related to emotion, or lack thereof.
Immersive scene
The section I had workshopped was First Movement, First Section, when I land at Vancouver International in hopes of being granted a work visa.
Readers described the scene as immersive, like they were moving through the airport with me. Some mentioned being surprised at the same moment I was, when I’m tapped on the shoulder and told a bathroom stall is open. They also noted the subdued nature of the section. With the exception of a brief moment in the bathroom, there’s little emotion.
It is factual rather than emotional. Rooted in observation rather than feeling.
That is purposeful.
Bland emotional landscape
At the time, I didn’t have an emotional landscape, nor the vocabulary.
Reading the feedback, and reading the scene again, I am purposely avoiding drawing attention to myself. I present as nothing special, as blending in. I can still feel the internal struggle of maintaining an outward sense of calm. Remaining professional, all business.
Some might read it as shy, and that’s a fair reading.
The lack of emotional expression isn’t an absence so much as a constraint. It reflects a moment where feeling is either inaccessible or deliberately contained. I don’t know if it was fear of emotion at the time, or that my system was hard wired for only negative emotion, or both.
At the time, the best thing to do was remain neutral.
If I remained neutral, then perhaps I would get the visa. The visa meant finally having a steady job with a steady income for the first time in almost four years.
From the feedback, though, the scene is also doing what I want: setting the stage for what happens when neutrality cannot hold.