Wrote this on the bus ride home, after wandering around Sears to look at sheets, towels and other stuff I’ll need before getting off a couple stops early to check out Canadian Tire which, by the way, it’s a Loews + Dick’s Sporting Goods. Pretty awesome store, actually, and was able to get an air mattress. Queen size. On sale!
Anyway, here’s the Evernote Note:
Seriously. And what’s left out of that statement is that change is slow. Constant, but slow. In flux, I call it. And since packing a couple bags of clothes and hauling myself halfway across the country, I’ve been in a constant state of flux.
Wait. Check that. Since starting the immigration process, a year ago, I’ve been in a state of flux. I suppose you can argue I’ve been in a state of flux since getting laid off, too.
It is starting to ware on me.
I can tell because I can feel myself withdraw a little bit. In search of something familiar. Instead, I’m reminded of what was, what I left behind. And that just makes it harder. But this is part of the process.
Change is constant, slow and hard.
I apparently was ill prepared for how hard it would be, but I’ve done harder things. I just haven’t seemed to have mastered vacating the familiar.
In a few days, I’ll be moving into my own place. Not unexpected, of course, just sooner than I seem to be mentally ready. I picked my current dwellings because they are familiar. Kind of been my rock, if you will. Or port in the storm might be a better analogy as I am going to be leaving it.
I’m both excited and bloody scared. Incurring expenses is always scary, but I’m excited about having my own space. And I’m really looking forward to going home, packing and shipping the things that matter to me.
After calling to check in at home, and researching getting a Canadian credit card (see rants here, and here), I calmed down a bit and realized tears were OK. There are worse ways to deal with an inordinate amount of stress. I’ve opted for none of them and, instead, just keep plugging away.
Buying an air mattress tonight was a mental hurdle that needed to be cleared. I find myself thinking: “It’s not the things to which we are attached, but the memories they hold.” Kind of a way to mentally prepare myself for Phase 2 of moving, and getting ready to sift through the rest of my stuff back home in order to pack and ship the things that matter. It occurs to me that part of the anxiety has to do with leaving my current dwellings that have some memories in order to go to one that has no memories.
Whoa. That was a TV ad for Kijiji. Squirrel!
It basically boils down to yet another move from familiar to unfamiliar. And the unfamiliar place is, literally, empty. Devoid of stuff. Devoid of memories.
That presents an opportunity. A clean slate, as it were. Another theme, no?
Change is hard. And it is also exhausting. Time to hit the hay.
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